Pure. Raw. Truth

I keep going back to a journal entry that I wrote about a month ago. I was a bit discouraged and it had been too long since I’d last journaled. I skipped dinner with my roommates and went upstairs and sat on my bed for hours just hungry to hear from God – feeling like I had been doing all the talking and not any of the listening of what He was saying to me and all of a sudden I had to hear Him, I couldn’t wait until we’d eaten dinner. I needed to reflect.

I was listening to a Seventh Day Slumber song called “Back in Time.” The song plays in the youtube window below. It’s just been on my heart lately – to continue to strive to be someone of Pure. Raw. Truth. I took the words from the song line by line and wrote what I was feeling (lyrics in bold, thoughts not bolded).



(Note that the journal entry is my thoughts written to God.)

“Those lyrics ring so true. Truth. Raw truth. I’m not perfect and You know that and You don’t want me to act like I am. You call me to seek You. You. Not me. You. Truth of who I am is found in who You are. At times, I feel broken and helpless. I don’t need any more of me. I need less and less of me and more and more of You. Perfect You. You – the Father, Son and the Holy Spirit who loves me more than I can fathom and hope for.

‘Carry me away. Back in time to when I met you.’ I had such a passion for You when I first realized what it meant to have a relationship with you. I had a raw, real hope.

‘Take all this guilt and shame that buried me.’ I get caught up in my own mind thinking that I have to have it all together and then I look at my imperfections now and in the past and I let myself get buried in the guilt of not being the idea of the perfect person that I have in my mind that I’m supposed to be.

‘And bury me in you.’ Being buried in Christ – protected, cradled, safe, and valued. Why do I let myself get buried in lies instead of pure truth?

‘I want to be dead but still alive.’ Christ calls us to die to ourselves. I want to get over myself and fix my eyes on the only One who truly can make me feel alive.

‘I want to breathe hope instead of choking.’ The complications in life are often caused by us – me getting in the way of Christ working in me. I want what comes out of my mouth to be glorifying and not self-gratifying mumbo jumbo (yes, I used the phrase mumbo jumbo). I want to speak and breathe truth and hope from the Word.

‘I want to feel the fire deep inside.’ What’s my true motivation? I feel like my most recent lack in motivation (at times) indicates a lack of passion and fire that can only be ignited by You. Help me get that fire back.

‘Burn through me, carry me away.’ I can’t be filled with You and carry myself nor can I be filled with me and be carried by You. Well, I can try. But that’s not what’s most glorifying to You. What’s most glorifying is to be filled with You and trust You to carry me.

‘How fake could I be? You see through me. You see right through me.’ You know me better than I know myself. There is no point in acting like I have it all together – You see through that. I need to focus on Truth. Pure. Raw. Truth. I long for that in my relationship with You.

‘Would you sing to me? And take me back to when I met you.’ I need to hear You. Not what I want for you to say. Just You. Just pure, raw, truth.

‘I hear You calling me.’ I feel like I’ve been suffocating because I haven’t been breathing You in nearly as much as I should. I know you are calling me back to Yourself.

‘I feel so far from home.’ Following my own map gets me so lost. Even though Your path doesn’t seem clear to me right now, it doesn’t matter because if I’m with You, You’re in the driver’s seat. Not me. You.

‘You can see through my past. You’ve never let me go.’ You know every thing I’ve done . . . even if it was 20 years ago or one minute ago. Past is past. Nothing can change what’s back there. It doesn’t matter how hard we as humans try or how bad we wish it could be rewritten. It can’t. But the good news is that we have the opportunity to change the future. I often forget that I can’t just want to change things and leave it at that. I always come back to the truth that good intentions not acted on are worthless. That’s one (of many) of my biggest down falls – not always following through with my intentions. People can’t read my mind. Even if I verbalize my intentions but don’t act on them, I lose credibility. As I have heard before ‘people don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.’

I want to be back to having child-like faith. Back to being so excited to serve in any capacity. Back to seeing things with fresh, new lenses. I can’t go back because that’s the past. The good news is that my God is a God of hope and forgiveness and renewal and fresh starts. He just needs me to say the word and get out of His way so He can work through me. God, this is me saying the word. Change me. Keep me accountable to what that means. There is nothing like You. There is nothing better than You. Please continue to remind me of that.”